There's No Place Like Home

I just finished reading Gone With The Wind by Margaret Mitchell. (SPOILER ALERT!) :)

Whew! Most of the books I read (and I read about a novel a week), cover one major event in a person's life. This one covers about 10, and ends with Scarlett in total ruin and devastation (again) after 1024 pages at the ripe old age of 28.

I'll admit, I get tired of cliché endings, and being able to predict what's going to happen next when I read a book. However, I have a crazy need to see redemption happen. And poor Scarlett just kept missing the mark.

Actually, I was kind of reminded a little bit of Hosea in reading this book. Rhett is an interesting character (and NOT an analogy to our loving God, but he does show a pretty close representation of unconditional love mixed with human failings). He confesses at the very end of the book that he's loved Scarlett since the first moment he laid eyes on her when she was 15 years old. "But I couldn't let you know it. You're so brutal to those who love you, Scarlett. You take their love and hold it over their heads like a whip."

Rhett does everything he can to try and convince Scarlett that he loves her- in his own unique, sardonic, bullying way- but he would never tell her. She wasn't ready to hear it. She would have used it against him, he was right. But his confession of love at the end of the book was heartbreaking because he ran out. Out of energy, out of desire, out of love for someone who continually took the gift he had to give for granted and squandered it over and over again.

People aren't like God. They cannot stand up to our need for a savior. Only God can do that for us.

Scarlett had two major love losses in her life- when her mother died and when Melanie died- both women cut from the same cloth. After each death, she was like a ship without a rudder. Because that love relationship meant home for her. When she discovered at the end of the book, almost like a light turning on, that Rhett had loved her all this time, she ran to him because Melanie was gone and she needed to go home. But he wasn't home for her anymore. It was over.

So the book ends with her reminiscing of Tara, her childhood home, which wasn't the same anymore either, but her Mammy was there, "the last link with the old days."

I wonder if she changed after that. She was only 28, and was mean enough to live to 100. I wonder if her epiphany was lasting, and she stopped being so selfish and greedy. I wonder if she ever discovered that money is not a very kind god to serve, and that people cannot be the savior she needed, but that she needed to love them without wounding them.

So why am I bothering to blog about this? This book is 80 years old. Well, I just read it this week (for the second time), and because I've been mulling over some things.

Home is about relationships. It's not a house or a part of the country, or a city. It's the people you love and who love you unconditionally. It's also things that are familiar (interesting, the word 'family' and 'familiar' have the same root. Never noticed that before).

My kids are often mean to each other. Brothers and sisters fight. You know why? They know they will still be loved, even if they push against that relationship. It's like a safe place to let your inner beast come out- to be the "natural man" that you don't dare show in polite company. I remember one friend, who the more time we spent together, the meaner I was to her. She called me on it, and I realized that I (much like Scarlett) was taking delight in hurting those I loved. I have tried to change this behavior, and hopefully, my sarcasm and biting tongue are no longer my identifying characteristics.

When I had been married and out of the house for about 10 years, my mom sold our old house and moved to a new house in a new town. Matt's parents did the same thing around the same time. So we don't have anyone in our hometown anymore. I thought I would be sadder about this, but when I went to visit my mom's new house in her new town, I realized that for me, home is where my mom is.

Our house was damaged by some rain coming in through the roof this summer, and the night that it happened was very stressful. I was trying like the dickens to keep buckets under every drip, and mop up the water before it did more damage. The next morning, Maia came upstairs and looked at our kitchen and burst into tears. "I don't want to live here anymore! It's not beautiful!"

she got over it.

But our house, while friendly, inviting and comfortable, is not a home. Our family living in it and filling it with love is what makes it home. So we may have to move out for a month or so while the contractors come in and replace a lot of drywall and the floor in the kitchen. It's OK, we'll be together (but it's also going to suck).

I think that's part of the reason I'm struggling a little bit right now with the changes that are going on around here.

OK, so if you haven't heard the big news, Matt has taken a job at Embrace Church here in Sioux Falls, as the Small Groups Coordinator. I think it's going to be a really good fit for him, and he's excited about something bigger than bikes for the first time in a long time.

But it means we have to change churches. And that means changing homes. Mercy has been a beautiful home for me in terms of great relationships with other growing and struggling Christian women. And much like when we left Hanfield in Indiana to move here, the people are the hardest thing to leave.

I know, we still live in the same town, and now there's the power of Facebook to stay connected. But it's not the same.

Thank you to my sisters at Mercy (hahaha! That sounds like a convent). You have shaped me in more ways than I know how to count.

So now I go to a new place. It's not home yet. I don't know anyone there. But I have a reckless way of plunging head-on into relationships, so I don't suppose it will take long. I think all these relationships are such a beautiful foundation in my life, the past, the present and the future. "I'm everything I am, because you loved me....♫•*¨*•.♥•*¨*•♫♪♪♫•" cheesy! But the point remains. Love (an not just romantic love) is what makes life worth living.

So I won't hold back, and I'll open myself up to new friendships, and I'll risk getting hurt. Because it's worth it.

I have to say though... one of the things I look forward to in heaven? Girl time.